![]() ![]() They all lived peacefully together, except for the box of baking soda, who expired peacefully one night.īen still had to stay at school until the end of the day, even when he had no classes, but such is life. Ben bought more food and the eggs guarded it from the broccoli, who had random fits of destruction at times. The butter cheered up immensely after Ben convinced it that no one was going to eat it. The food that had come to life soon adjusted to their new existence. He bought a kayak and through having to paddle between the different islands to teach his classes, he soon lost the weight he had gained. Ben later found out that they had stolen his boat, but under the circumstances, he considered himself lucky.Īnd so Ben started on the long road back to somewhat normal life. “I have been aged,” the soy sauce said, “to perfection.” “He has no fingerprints or DNA,” the soy sauce said, “plus I know exactly how to change his face to fool facial recognition software. “What? You can’t do that? They will think it’s me.” Kikkoman and me here are going to go start a crime spree.”īen coughed. “I’ll leave and let you teach your classes again. After half an hour, Ben Two came in, holding the soy sauce. Ben instinctively knew it was talking to him, so he went into the living room and pretended to read while straining to hear what the two were saying. He got out the soy sauce and put it on the table. The fridge was whistling a blues tune softly to itself. “The soy sauce wants to talk to you.” He led Ben Two into the kitchen. “Well, at least it’ll make a good story.” “But it won’t affect you you can’t get drunk.” I heard today that people like drinking alcohol as a way of relaxing. “What are those for? Are you having a party?” Ben asked. He seemed to have forgotten about the incident at the school. “Whatever you want.”īen Two came in at about 5:30, carrying five 24-packs of beer. “Uh, okay,” Ben said, rather nonplussed by such a self-assured condiment. I think I can solve your problem in a mutually beneficially way.” It had a smooth voice that made Ben instantly listen and respect its opinion. “I have an idea,” the soy sauce said quietly. “I don’t know if any of that would help,” Ben said, imagining the cleanup, and the subsequent nightmares. The butter was still sniffling to itself and the box of baking soda was apparently asleep. Just throw us in his general direction.” The broccoli just snorted. “Egg barrage!” the carton of eggs yelled in unison when he had finished. I’ve got bigger problems.” Having no other friends to confide in, he sat in front of his fridge and explained his problems with Ben Two to his groceries. “Look, I really can’t deal with this right now. ” Ben said, thinking of the butter’s chances out on the streets. “So, it’s hopeless?” the butter asked and burst into tears. Where are you going to go, though? You’re all food.” “You can’t hold us, fascist!” the broccoli yelled at him. It was lucky that he had not gone grocery shopping in a while. In total, the sentient food included six eggs, a stick of butter, a head of broccoli, a half-empty bottle of soy sauce and an ancient box of baking soda that had been pushed into the back. He opened the fridge door and caught an egg as it immediately hurled itself out into space, yelling, “Yee-haw!” He corralled the rest of the eggs, shut the egg carton lid and held it down. This is why the Elixir of Life bottle came with a warning on its side: May cause the endowment of inalienable rights. Now that they were living beings, it wasn’t a simple matter of just eating them or throwing them away. The question now (besides dealing with Ben Two) was what to do with the food. He took out the box and felt the accusing eyes of the rest of the food on him, as if he were raiding the morgue for a quick snack. Luckily, Pizza Pockets were frozen and the food in the freezer was still refreshingly non-living. Now Ben was starving, but he felt bad eating anything that could object vocally to the process. It had come to life and had started spraying the Elixir onto everything else, out of sheer bloody-mindedness. The Elixir of Life had expanded and burst its seal, dripping onto the broccoli. It took a while, but he finally figured out what had happened. ![]() The broccoli threw the empty Elixir of Life bottle at him and the butter burst into heartrending sobs. ![]() He immediately had to stop the eggs from hurling themselves onto the floor in some pointless gesture of bravado. Given the chance, broccoli just wants to watch the world burn.īen had opened his fridge to see that everything inside (including the fridge itself) had come to life. Never put Elixir of Life in the refrigerator and 2. The Hieroglyphics Teacher Makes a Discoveryīen learned two things that day: 1. ![]()
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